namahatta.org - Congregational Development Ministry

Don’t get agitated and depressed over your lack of attention and devotion in japa. Be grateful for what attachment you do have and capitalize on that. Build up. You watch yourself merely counting the minutes and seconds per round, the number of rounds, the time of day... the progress that any worker feels as he shovels his way or as she types her way or he reads his way through a designated amount of work. Think of piece workers who get credit for so many items sewn. Any worker with his eye on the clock, waiting for the coffee break, the lunch hour, the 5:00 P.M. whistle...

There’s that level of my japa reality, but I assume there’s more. I know there’s more. I keep going with it yearly, my whole life is only one life-chapter in a career that may take many lives of improving chanting. (Krishna prema could happen in a moment, or it could fail to happen for many births.)

I don’t want to fake my actual attitude. I mean I shouldn’t be overly dramatic about my disappointments. I’m not that upset about it. It’s a longstanding fact that I’m not ecstatic when I chant, I don’t experience that Krishna and Krishna’s name are nondifferent. Yet I chant every day. I feel good about fulfilling that obligation.
I also dearly love the practice. If a nondevotee sees me chant, I feel worlds apart—how much I value these prayer-bead mantras and how he or she cannot understand. If I cannot chant my mantras aloud and privately because I’m with karmis, then I feel how I love japa, how it’s like my life and breath.

But we accept more as a matter of fact that we chant with no taste. “When oh when will that day be mine when my offenses ceasing,/ taste for the name increasing—/ when in my heart will Your mercy shine?” When I read those lines, I think he’s describing me. But it’s no big deal. It’s like the way I accept my somewhat crippled left ankle or my headache syndrome. I live within those limits, and I don’t necessarily lament. If I can walk for half an hour a day, that’s fine. I don’t expect to walk more than that. If I can go for half a day without a headache, that’s wonderful—and I try to get as much done as I can within that no-headache zone. But when the pressure starts coming again, I live with it. I have no other choice. The loveless, inattentive chanting is another part of my life and conditioning.

Besides, I have the hope that I can improve. It’s up to Krishna. Within my power is the ability not to worsen. I can occasionally take a japa retreat.